Invest in your family by believing in them
Using the power of community-inspired support to help our children thrive
I’ve added a new section at the bottom of the page! The MF Mixtape will feature the music I’m playing on repeat this week. Enjoy.
Friends,
Yesterday I received a merchandise order from one of my favorite hip-hop artists (a 🔥 tie-dye hoodie). Along with it were a few extras, including a hat and some stickers. Behind one of the stickers, the kind expertly designed for the sole purpose of being slapped onto a fresh skateboard deck, was a message written in thick black permanent marker that read:
Rehan, Thank you for believing in me when nobody else did. - <Artist>*
I was floored. I've worked with hundreds of artists (musicians, street artists, chefs, speakers) over the years and have been a real fan of only a few— and this particular artist is one of them. Since the day I met him, he's been spitting fire lyrics that represent a generation of young hearts struggling to find their place in the world, not dissimilar from how I felt when I was a teenager. I've witnessed him take the stage for larger and larger audiences and I continue to celebrate his work from afar as he racks up hundreds of thousands of views and followers with each new single release.
I am a fan.
I am so much a fan that I had no problem ordering a hoodie with his oversized name screened-printed on it, which, as a forty-one-year-old father, may be pushing the boundaries of what's acceptable for adult fashion. I am a fan and will support his music wherever I go. I am a fan, and it has been an honor to be one, as I continue to learn from each new lyric and continue to be creatively inspired by each new music video.
So when I read his words and subsequently engaged in a short text chat with him, I came to realize that my support for him mattered in his journey more than I knew. That my loyalty as a fan mattered as he strengthened his confidence in his own art. I also learned that I am a member of a community. I play a small role within the community of supporters he has grown throughout his journey, one that has helped his success.
Learning all of this got me thinking…
Community is one of the pillars of Modern Fatherhood. I've previously mentioned that this means supporting those in your social circle (cloud?) by selflessly offering your talents and resources to help those in the most need of them and doing so simply to make others stronger, asking for nothing else in return. It's no secret that doing so often helps accelerate our own goals as that love comes back to us, but that shouldn’t be what drives us. Participation is a privilege in-an-of-itself, and strong communities offer an endless system of support and education through giving, which strengthens the collective. One my musician friend has been a part of and nurtured.
I recently joined one such community. This past Saturday, I participated in the first orientation event for On Deck's ninth fellowship cohort. On Deck is an organization that defines itself as a place "where top talent comes to accelerate their ideas and careers, surrounded by a world-class community." I was cautiously optimistic as I applied, was accepted, and began my journey to become a stronger entrepreneur, and start filling in the gaps in my skill set. I am happy to say that I am already floored by both the program and my fellow community members. While this is a new experience for me, I can't help but find similarities between the way this community inspires me with others I have previously been a part of.
I designed and developed Life is Beautiful in the early years of the Downtown Project, Tony Hsieh's startup community through which my idea was funded and accelerated. I set the founding live entertainment strategy for The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas within a community of creatives, consultants, strategists, and operators pulled together and enabled by my boss and the resort's former CMO. In the early years of my career in Atlantic City, I built a food and wine festival within a community of entrepreneurial-minded executives trying to save a declining economy through aggressive innovation.
The constant in my career is that every time I have found success, it has been within the warm embrace of the various communities I was a part of. Groups of people who supported my dreams in the earliest moments of their development. People who believed in me when nobody else did.
When I look back on my life experiences, I can better identify and subsequently craft the various roles I need to play for my children. One of the greatest is in building the community through which they will grow and thrive from. Some of the tenets of my new On Deck community include:
freely offering your talents to those in the cohort (and beyond)
maintaining strict confidentiality to support the creation of a space that allows members to be vulnerable, and
protecting each other from threats (both internal and external)
These are just a few, but, as you might notice, they are not revolutionary. They are simply a collection of best practices employed by thriving communities of all sizes ranging from tight-knit families to successful startups and even legacy educational institutions.
They are also critical pillars that should be used to build the support system our kids will rely on throughout their lives.
I am a massive fan of a few musicians, artists, chefs, and speakers. But none more than I am a fan of my wife and children. I learn from them every day, I am inspired by them every day, and I am driven by them every day. I proudly wear a crewneck with my son’s photo screen printed on it and would wear it everywhere if I could.
As it turns out, I impact them as much as they do me. I have a significant impact on their happiness, confidence, and overall strength and wellbeing. Our familial community, on which we all rely, is being built utilizing the best practices my wife and I have both experienced while we were part of various communities (some referenced above and others I will surely be a part of in the future).
This may seem like a daunting task, but the best place to start is by simply promising to be the person who believed in your children and your partner when nobody else did. That will be the single best investment you will ever make as a modern father.
01. My Son is the Cutest
My 2.5yo boy is starting, out of nowhere, to speak in almost-complete sentences. He likes it when we time him on our Apple Watches as he races to throw his milk cup in the sink, and I am enthusiastically able to use reverse psychology to get him to surprise my wife by licking her face unexpectedly.
Me: <In a whisper> Do not, under any circumstances, lick your mother’s face while she’s sleeping.
Him:
Me: <more sternly> do not even think about it.
Him: <runs to his mom, giggling, and licks her forehead>
Me: <sips tea while basking in the glory of my success>
The takeaway: He’s cute. That’s all.
02. My Son is Disgusting
I was changing his diaper yesterday when he stared directly in the eyes, stuck his finger in his butt, and quickly tried to stick it in his own mouth. I managed to stop him… this time.
The takeaway: Seriously. WTF. That was so gross. More than being grossed out, I am royally pissed that there wasn't any mention of this in any of the parenting books I've read over the past few years. I mean, seriously! Bringing up Bebé didn't come close to covering this!! 🤢🤢🤢
03. Racial Tensions Aren’t Going Anywhere
At least not anytime soon. I'm not trying to be pessimistic here, but when an unarmed 20yo black man is gunned down by a white police officer, WHILE a trial is going on about how an unarmed black man was murdered by a white police officer, you know things are bad. On top of it, it seems that even uniformed military aren't protected as video footage went viral of an IN UNIFORM Lieutenant getting maced by police offers during a traffic stop.
It feels like we are not only not learning, but we are also picking sides largely in defense of the people most familiar to us. All of this is just wrong.
The takeaway: We may not be able to change the profoundly racist beliefs of our neighbors, coworkers, or wacky family members, but we can nurture a new generation to be far more racially aware. It takes work, but raising children for whom diversity is a beautiful norm, will only lead to a better and stronger country (and world).
That was the most basic of perspectives, but it seemed necessary to emphasize anyway.
04. The MF Bookshelf
Currently Reading: The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and body in the Healing of Trauma, Bessel van der Kolk
On deck: The Vanishing Half, Brit Bennett
Blog: Helicopter Amy (a food blog)
Article: Paul Graham’s Lies We Tell Kids
Watching: The Falcon and The Winter Soldier
05. The MF Mixtape
*I am not listing the name of the artist because I didn’t have time to get his permission before posting this newsletter (I was running behind this week).